How long does grief last?

One of the most commonly asked questions about grief is ‘How long will I feel this way?’

Feelings of loss can be overwhelming and at times unbearable. It is understandable that you want to know when you can expect to start to feel better.

There can be a lot of conflicting advice about the time scale for grieving. My aim for this article is to clear up confusion around this.

This article focuses on grief that is a result of losing someone through death. However, a lot of what I am writing about here applies to other types of losses as well. For example the breakdown of a relationship, the death of a beloved pet, or the loss of a job.

Conflicting Advice

You may have been given an indication of how long grief should last from:

• The media - Newspapers, magazines, TV or radio programs;

• Well-meaning advice from friends or family members;

• Films;

• Books;

• The internet.

We have such easy access to information it can become at times a bit overwhelming. If you find yourself confused by what you have ready, it could be because:

• You find you are still struggling beyond the length of time these sources have stated;

• You have been told, directly or indirectly, you ‘should be over it by now.’ or;

• You are coming across a lot of conflicting advice.

My hope is that this article can help clear up any confusion you may have.

What is bereavement?

Bereavement is the experience of losing someone close or important to us through death.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of something that is important or of value to us. It could be the loss of a person, a situation, a belief, or material possessions.

What is the difference between bereavement and grief?

Bereavement is a term used solely to describe the experience of a person we were close to dying. We wouldn’t have experienced a bereavement, say if we fell out with a friend or lost a sentimental item.

Grief is an emotional reaction to any kind of loss. Grief can be an emotional response to a bereavement. However, it can also be a response to other losses, e.g. a divorce or estrangement from a family member.

How does grief feel?

Grief can be a mixture of painful and overwhelming thoughts and emotions. It can be experienced as one or more of the following:

• Sadness;

• Guilt;

• Anger;

• Yearning;

• Numbness;

• Anxiety.

How long does grief last?

It would be a wonderful thing if I was able to specify how long it would take for you to start to feel better. Having a specific number may give you a sense of control over your experience or help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, the question of ‘how long does grief last’ is not one that I, or anyone else, can give you an answer to. There is no timetable for grieving. Each person is different, as is their relationship with the person they have lost.

This isn’t to say that over time your grief may feel less raw. However, sadly no one can tell you how long that will take.

I realise this is probably not what you were wanting to hear. It can be so difficult to experience such painful emotions and have no end date to work towards.

Factors that can impact grief

• The closeness of your relationship to the person who has died;

• If there was unfinished business between the two of you;

• Your beliefs about what happens to us when we die;

• The nature of how the person died. For example:

  • from natural causes;

  • from an accident;

  • by suicide;

  • from addiction;

  • a miscarriage or stillbirth.

• Anything that was left unsaid;

• Your support network;

• Previous losses;

• Any past traumas;

• Ongoing or previous mental health difficulties.

Your relationship with the person you’ve lost is a personal and unique one. This makes your experience of grief individual to you.

Grief over time

Over time you may feel one or more of the following:

• You feel better able to cope with the loss;

• You were managing well initially but you now feel you are not coping as well;

• As bad as you did at the time of the loss and you feel stuck in grief;

• Your emotions have changed over time but you’re still suffering e.g. numbness turned to sadness, or sadness to anger;

• You are coping in certain situations but specific reminders are triggering painful feelings e.g. anniversaries, a song, etc.

As you can see, our reactions to bereavement and loss are very personal. We can even experience a loss or bereavement and find we react differently than we did to a previous loss.

I don’t say this to try and confuse you. Just that whatever you are going through, there is a good chance that you are having a normal human reaction. If you do feel overwhelmed and want reassurance or to check your reactions, it might be worth speaking to a professional.

Does time heal all wounds?

There is a saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ and ‘time is a great healer’.

Is this really the case?

To some extent, this may be true. However, we are not often passive in that time. We may spend it grieving, sharing stories about the deceased and our pain with others. Such actions may help us make sense of the loss and rebuild our lives around it.

So does time heal all wounds? I believe it is more about what we are doing in that time that is the ‘great healer’ rather than time itself.

Additional words

I started this article with the commonly asked question on grief, ‘how long will I feel this way?’ I realise I am getting to the end and I haven’t been able to provide you with an answer. Grief is such a personal experience making it impossible for me to give you a time frame.

If you read something or someone tells you ‘You should be over it by now.’ try not to beat yourself up if you are still struggling. It is your grief journey and no one else can tell you how you should or should not be feeling.

Grieving can feel relentless, isolating, and lonely. However, grief is a normal human reaction to loss. If you feel you could do with some additional help and support, therapy might be useful.

Grief therapy

You may be wondering what bereavement counselling is and how it might be able to help you. You might find therapy a supportive space for making sense of and processing your loss.

I have undertaken specialist training in bereavement and I have experience working in this area.

If you have any questions or you want to book an appointment please get in contact with me.